phph! funny...

ah Hwatta i don't whant to give my dead a hug ............. i hate him ............

Jewish jokes


Jewish view on when life begins: There’s a big controversy on when life begins. In Jewish tradition the foetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.


5759 Year according to Jewish calendar
4696 Year according to Chinese calendar
------
1063 Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food


Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam’s car, the policeman says, “Your wife fell out of the car 5 miles back. Sam replies, “Thank god for that...I’d thought I’d gone deaf!”


Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
“They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat.”



A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful. What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says,”Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

Irish Jokes

At the local zoo, the latest attraction is an elephant that can tell a person's age by stomping its foot for each year. People are amazed by this, and keep coming to see it, but one Irishman is not convinced. He watches skeptically, until finally the keeper says "Look, sir, how about the elephant tells your age?". The Irishman agrees. The elephant promptly turns around, and lets out an enormous fart, and then stomps it foot twice. The Irishman is amazed and says "Lard tunderin' Jaysus bye, he's right! I'm farty-two!"


A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."


An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar, and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as they're about to drink it, three flys fly down and land in the beer, one in each drink. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes the beer away, and demands another drink. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and drinks it up. The Irishman also picks out the fly, but shakes it around yelling "Spit it out, ya little *******, spit it out!"


Mary walks into church one day, looking very sad. After the mass, the priest goes up to her and asks "Mary, what's wrong? You look awful!", and Mary replies "Oh, father, me husband died last night!". The priest says "Mary, that's terrible! Did he have any last requests?". "Yes" says Mary, "He said, 'For God's sake, Mary, put down that gun!'"

Last Edited : Saturday, 2 July 2005 - 17:33

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He

notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not

from the original manuscript.



So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out

that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would

never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the

subsequent copies.



The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for

centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the

original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't

been opened for hundreds of years.



Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets

worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his

head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the "R", We forgot the "R"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.



The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"



With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebRate."

"The word is celebRate."

A Mother had three daughters.

After each daughters' wedding day, she asks each one of them to write back about their married life.

The first daughter got married. On the second day a letter arrived with a single message... simply; "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE"

The Mother was confused until she finally noticed a Maxwell Advert, which said "Satisfaction to the last drop..." And Mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married. After a week, there was a message that read;
"ROTHMANS"

So the Mother looked to the Rothmans ad, and it said; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mother was happy.

Then the third daughter got married. Mother was anxious.

After 4 weeks came the message; "BRITISH AIRWAYS"

Again, mother looked to the ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read; "TWICE A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.

My favourite joke is horrible and I will get flamed to hell for posting it

So i'll post my New second favourite joke!
(only known it a little while, though it is old im assured..)


Q: Meat, Eggs, Blowjob, Wife ..
What's the odd one out?


A: Blowjob.. You can beat your meat, your eggs or your wife.. but you can't beat a BJ!