McDonald's Fast Food Job Application:
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz tyle severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

lol

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?














Pregnant!

Hrm.. i'd better not post My type of joke.. Let's go for something a bit .. cleaner

Q: A Smart Blonde, a Dumb Blonde and Santa Clause are all walking down the street, when they all notice a $50 note at the same time.
Who gets it?



A: The Dumb Blonde. Everybody knows a Smart Blonde and Santa Clause Don't exist :-P

What do you mean santa doesnt exist?

why did the blonde cross the road?

I dont know and neither does she!

Why did the blonde cross the road?

Who cares shes not supposed to be outta the bedroom anyway!

36 THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
3) If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St.
Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of year.
4) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
5) The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
6) All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
7) It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
8) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
9) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
10) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
11) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
12) If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
13) You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
14) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
15) If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
16) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
17) When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
18) Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20) Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

21) Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
22) All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
23) A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Dodger Stadium.
24) Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
25) Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
26) It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
27) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
28) It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
29) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
30) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
31) When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
32) No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
33) Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
34) You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
35) Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
36) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

This isnt a dirty joke i swear!

Q: Whats the differance between a blonde and a mosquitoe?

A: Slap a mosquitoe and it stops sucking!

Makes You Think

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" & "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Answer to question No.5:

OUT OF WHACK
[Q] From John Williams: “In one of those perennial round-robins that friends send by e-mail, I found the following: ‘Why do we say something is out of whack? What’s a whack?’ It seems a valid question. Can you supply an answer?”
[A] Not with a totally convincing show of certainty, no. But some pointers are possible.
Whack started life in the eighteenth century. It was probably an imitative noise, or perhaps derived from the older thwack, also imitative. The adjective wacky, for somebody or something that is odd, crazy or peculiar (nowadays in a mildly funny way), may come from whack, in that somebody who was crazy behaved as though he had been hit about the head.
The noun developed a number of subsidiary senses. At one time, it could mean a share in a distribution, a portion; this sense was originally thieves’ cant—Francis Grose, in his Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue of 1785, has “Whack, a share of a booty obtained by fraud” (could physical violence have been involved in some cases?). British English has a couple of phrases that retain that sense. One is pay one’s whack, to pay one’s agreed contribution to shared expenses. Another is top whack, or full whack, for the maximum price or rate for something (“if you go to that shop, you’ll pay top whack”).
There are some other old figurative senses, including a bargain or agreement (which evolved out of the idea of a share), and an attempt at doing something (“I’ll take a whack at that job”). These are mostly American, and it was in the US that the sense you refer to first appeared, in the latter part of the nineteenth century. There seems to have been a phrase in fine whack during that century, meaning that something was in good condition or excellent fettle. (It appears in a letter by John Hay, President Lincoln’s amanuensis, dated August 1863, which describes the President: “The Tycoon is in fine whack. I have rarely seen him more serene and busy. He is managing this war, the draft, foreign relations, and planning a reconstruction of the Union, all at once”.) It doesn’t often turn up in writing, though, so there’s some doubt how widespread it was.
To be out of whack would then have meant the opposite—that something wasn’t on top form or working well. It was first applied to people with ailments (“My back is out of whack”). In the early years of the twentieth century it started to refer to mechanisms. It might be that the sense was influenced by the idea that faulty mechanisms responded to a quick thwack.

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

Ahhh...I see the ****-up fairy has visited us again...

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I shall further ruin the humor:

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? Yes. Sucks has other definitions besides the slang.

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? Because it measures seconds, a measurement of time

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? Ideally, by referring to other dictionaries. If they're all spelled "wrong", then that's the proper spelling of the word.

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Everywhere. There are thousands of words in this thread alone. He would have taken all the unique ones and defined them. SOMEBODY had to do it.

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? *Defers to Rog*

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Just because. Both the "down" and the "up" are uneccessary. All you really need is the "slow!"

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? "fat chance" is sarcasm. "slim chance" is accurate

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? The world may never know

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? How many other songs about ball games are there that everyone knows and can sing?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? *shrugs*

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? It really means "after it gets dark" but people are lazy

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? Nope, because you're just expecting something unexpected...you don't know any specifics. It just means to be cautious

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? "wise guy" is sarcasm. "wise man" is accurate

14. Why do "overlook" & "oversee" mean opposite things? *shrugs*

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? It's a cruel joke

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? Whoever said it was terrific?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? Anywhere you're performing...duh.

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Love is blind. Lust isn't

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? They're completely unrelated

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural? *shrugs*

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? Sometimes it works, when the batteries aren't completely dead

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? *shrugs*

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word? Because its the entire word, and not an abbreviated version of it. I assure you, if you abbreviated the word, it would be shorter

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Eew, learn some hygiene

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Because it doesn't dry

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? It has a lot of parts

27. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? All the time. Don't you?

Ok i have a few to put up.
--------------------------------------
You're so fat, even your clothes have stretch marks
--------------------------------------
What happens when you shine a torch in a blondes ear?

Her eyes light up
--------------------------------------
What do you call a blonde with one two brain cells?

Gifted
--------------------------------------
Three men walked into a bar .... You would think one of them would have seen it
--------------------------------------

Thats all at the moment, more to come sooner or later

I hope no one gets offended by this joke....

A priest a petafile and a po*fter walk into a bar. The funny thing is theyre all the same person!

Last month in preparation for the Earth Summit currently being
hosted by South Africa, the UN conducted a world-wide survey.



The only question was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"



The survey was a huge failure....
In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solutions" meant.

In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

A Husband Shopping Center was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.

There was, however, a catch. Once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you
couldn't go back down except to exit the building.

So, a couple of girlfriends go to the shopping center to find husbands. On the first floor the sign on the door said 'These men have jobs and
love kids.' The women read the sign and said "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up they go.

The second floor sign said 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.' "Hmmm," say the women. "But, I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign read 'These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.' "Wow," say the
women, "very tempting. BUT, there's more further up!"

And so again, they go up.

On the fourth floor the sign read 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a
strong romantic streak.' "Oh, mercy me. But just think . . . what must be awaiting us further on?

So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said 'This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for
shopping and have a nice day.'

Everybody Dies and goes to Heaven

Everybody dies and goes to heaven and God comes and says:
"I want all the men who dominated thier women to form one line and the men whose women dominated them to form another line. I also want the ladies to go with St.Peter."
With that said and done when God turned around and looked all the ladies were gone and the line of men dominated by women was a 100 miles long but the line of men who had dominated women only had 1 man in it? God asked his one son. My son how did you manage to be the only one? Tell the others how you did this my son. The one man replied "God i'm not sure my wife told me to stand here"

clocks in heaven

Hillary clinton died and went to heaven, St.Peter was giving her a tour of heaven when she noticed that there thousands of clocks on the walls everywhere. Each displaying a different time of day. When she asked St.Peter about the clocks, he replied "we have a clock for everyone on earth Hillary and everytime they tell a lie the hands move. the clocks tick off one second each time a lie is told" Hillary noticed a couple of clocks not moving at all so she asked about them, and St.Peter replied that one belonged to Mother Teresa and the other to Abraham Lincoln and his has only moved twice cause he has only told two lies in his life. Curiously Hillary asked where's Bill's clock at? St.Peter replied "Jesus has it in his office .....He's using it as a ceiling fan!"